Married Man - Part 7

At this point, we're all probably a bit sick of hearing about this married co-worker of mine but I kind of just wanted to wrap up everything that has been going on with him since, as well as the guy I mentioned back in Part 5. To make a long story short, I believe it was a few months back but the married man ended up telling me how he had slept with his ex-wife and was considering going back to her. At that moment I realized if he could leave his current wife to go back to his ex-wife that he would've been willing to do the same for me... and yet, he did nothing of the sort and continued to make no real quality time for me. When he told me about this I was pretty heated, and he tried to play it off as if he was joking but it turned out to not be a joke at all. We are now able to chat again at work, but I'm no longer texting him or going out with him, or trying to actually be something because I know he'll never be the right person for me. I'm not going to be a second, third, etc woman in his life that he really doesn't appreciate in the end because ultimately he doesn't respect any of us and I know that all of us deserve so much better, especially at the expense of a guy who doesn't seem to know what he wants or what he's doing to us. Even today he says that he's waiting for me to reach out and message him to go do things again... but that's never going to happen so, he can just keep waiting and dreaming about the person he will never have again. 

I mentioned before about basically falling for a person that had become my best friend over the past 10 months. We originally met off of a dating app and shortly after we had begun talking he ended up removing his account and told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship after all. So we became very good friends, I could talk to him about anything really. However, we would always end up flirting with each other and eventually ended up hooking up. Even on our first date, he told me how maybe he wanted to be in a relationship with me after all. Other times he told me that if he was ready to be in a relationship he would want to be with me, but we continued being flirty friends up until things took a turn. Suddenly he became a little quiet and after I continuously asked him what was going on he finally told me and it completely altered everything we had built. He told me that an old friend recently reached out to him and confessed to him that she had feelings for him. He said that he wanted to explore being in a relationship with her and acted as if he was now only telling me out of "respect" for me. I'm not sure what "respect" that was when I had to constantly ask him what was going on instead of him just being upfront with me and him choosing to hide it from me, for who knows how long, since he didn't give me any real info on the situation. If she was a friend of his how come he never mentioned her before to me and I doubt that she'll ever love him as much as I did but that's not my problem anymore. It was bad enough days before he told me that he didn't love me, even though in the past he had said he did. At this point, I was probably the most heartbroken I had ever felt in my entire life because I would have done literally anything for this person because I started to feel as if he was my person. Not to mention that for nearly a year it had all just basically been a lie since all it really took was the right person to come along for him to fully change his mind about the whole relationship ordeal. I realized at that moment that he just killed our entire friendship single-handedly because I was never going to be able to see him with someone else and just remain friends, especially when everything was a lie. 

So, that's what has been going on in my life lately. I just want to state that it's actually very hard to write these posts at times and share my life with people on here but I feel like it helps me learn about myself which hopefully helps in my personal growth. I also hope that it helps others out there going through similar situations and knowing that you aren't alone. I'm hoping one day, I can post about positive things going on in my love life or lack-there-of but for now, this is what it is. Sometimes you have to go through hell to find and appreciate the good that heaven has to offer so, be thankful for what you have and if you don't have to go through these situations. 

Married Man - Part 6

To make a long story short, I basically ended things after said Married Man wanted to get a hotel room and then hours later told me to purchase a night there and he'd pay me back... no, I'm not going to be someone's secret anymore. Nor am I going to be someone's whore since I've been made to feel like one all this time. Of course, he had the audacity to say something along the lines of "not this again" when nothing was ever really resolved the first time so, I'm going to continuously bring things up to him. Also, to just dismiss my feelings like that, no no nooo... bye boy. 

So basically, we left things with him texting me how we should just be friends... last I checked we were "special friends." I haven't responded to him since and honestly, I don't even want to be friends, yet alone co-workers. I'm perfectly content to not speak to him again and not because he told me not to this time. If I continue to give someone chances and they don't immediately show me they are sorry... it's a NO for me because they aren't taking things seriously enough and my time is precious. Never forget your worth and if people continuously show you their true colors, DO NOT make any type of excuses for their behavior. As one person said recently, an apology of any kind needs to match the crime/issue. 

Married Man - Part 5

I tried to end things with this married man... and I did, but then I was kind of missing him (or maybe I was a little jealous) as I noticed him being friendly toward other women around the office after I ended things. I've realized it's really hard to find someone worthwhile when I feel really lonely (mostly late at night), to the point any guy who looks at me a certain way I'd probably start to have a little crush on him or something... I don't like feeling this way because I'm not desperate and if I was I'd be dealing with a lot of a**holes who just want to screw me... instead of just the one who happens to be married. 

There's one guy who actually first became my friend that I tried to date, and we did very briefly but I guess he really just wanted to stay single in the end... now it's hard for me to just be his friend when I do really like him and I can't even get the guy to meet up with me in person after months of talking to him. Then at times, I notice he gets jealous of other guys who talk to me and he even asks me if I had "fun" over the weekend and I'm just like "would you really want to know that and also why should you care?" so then, he drops it. Unfortunately, I've noticed our friendship may even be coming to an end, it makes me sad because I don't really have anyone else I feel I can talk to about day-to-day things. 

I do feel deep down that my married co-worker just isn't really interested, well, definitely not invested in me as he barely finds time for me, he never takes me anywhere, and we just hook up even when he knows I'm not interested in that because I need more from someone. I need substance, I need a friendship, I need someone who always wants to be with me and can hardly stop talking to me... I honestly feel like we don't even know each other even though we've known of each other for years. I finally got him to meet up with me for a second time outside of work (its been 5 months since the first time) and I honestly think it was because I told him how I work 3 jobs and I'd still find time for him (which he doesn't know me so he never knew that)... so maybe he thought all I do is sit around all day while he deals with his teenage son or something. I'm starting to feel as if he's making my life semi-miserable because that's really how he is in his marriage. Then all his excuses on how he's busy like how he had 2 jury duty things to go to in a week and supposedly they were both dropped so he never had to go... ok, so if that's the case why didn't he try to meet me then.

Needless to say, if someone else comes along I'm done with this married man who has titled us as "special friends" recently. Also, now I have a little crush on a new guy at work so, this could get very interesting if said "new guy" is single or if he even likes me but I did catch him looking and smiling at me today *sigh*. I guess it's just back to the drawing board unless a miracle happens in my love life. It's sad that I'm nearly 40 years old and the dating pool of amazing catches is extremely limited.